When was the first time you spoke negatively about your body?
I'm not sure that I can pinpoint the exact moment or year, but I remember looking back at photos during a birthday party when I was 8 or 9. I wore this floral dress with a coned-birthday hat. I remember looking at the photo thinking, eww, I have a double chin. My arms look so fat.
I'm not sure how old I was when I said those things about myself, but I think now, how could a young girl have those feelings about herself?
Reminder: Pay attention to what you say about yourself around children - they are always listening.
Food is an escape
When I was younger, I am not sure if I had an eating disorder, but my mindset on eating was out of order.
I would find my summers at home binge eating Doritos or taking a whole plate of pretzels with melted cheese on top - and that was just a snack.
Then, I would go to the next extreme where my lunches would consist of Special K cereal bar (Special K diet) or Laughing Cow cheese with some crackers. And that's it.
I would be so exhausted during track practice because I barely consumed any calories during the day.
I've done all the diets like Weight Watcher and counting calories.
All those diets were to fit into a prom dress or because my friends all wore size 2s and 4s when I was in an eight.
I always could find something wrong with my body.
Food was this never-ending battle between my pleasure and my pain.
Eating for two
My first pregnancy was a moment in my life when I didn't focus on my weight. I already knew that I was going to gain weight. I still struggled with my negative self talk as the pounds continued to add on the scale.
However, I just kept telling myself. It's OK. There is a reason for the weight gain. I can have all the ice cream I want without the guilt for once.
Unfortunately, I forgot about my biggest issue with weight - myself.
I had thought once I gave birth to Brooklyn I could get back at it. I would start to workout again. And although it would be tough to lose the weight, I could do it slowly but surely.
Brooklyn's birth didn't go as planned. The C-section had me in pain that I could barely get out of bed. Walking was the most exercise I could do even a month or more into postpartum.
My darkest days set in as my depression and anxiety took over. My body image was at its lowest.
A new mindset
I have to pay so much thanks to Andy Frisella's program 75 Hard. That routine; those daily tasks and counseling pushed me through my darkest time. Not only did it help me lose weight but it gave me a purpose.
It reminded me of all the things in my life to be grateful for - one of which is my body. The body that carried my daughter for 9 months. The body that made it through those 30+ years despite any sadness or setbacks. The body that could become stronger than I had ever been in a few months.
Now we come to today.
For those who don't know, I almost 11 weeks pregnant with baby No. 2, in the midst of the first trimester. (Brittany is expecting too! I hope to share that more in upcoming blogs.)
If I am being honest with you, I am not eating as well as I could. I am working out but not everyday like I used to.
I can feel my negative thoughts creeping in. They were apparent a lot today - mostly why I decided to write this blog.
I know the thoughts will come and go, and I know that everyone has them.
Some days, I feel like I do not know how to stop them.
Take action
But that is a lie I tell myself because I do know how to stop them.
What I have learned is that you aren't always going to have motivation.
You aren't always going to feel good about yourself.
You aren't always going to be Simply Confident.
However, you can take action.
Take action.
Today, I was feeling bad about what I have been eating. I was worried that I am going to hate my body again. I told myself I would never do that if I got pregnant again.
It is a reason I feared getting pregnant again. Not because I would gain weight but because of my own thoughts.
I am scared of what I might feel and think. Sometimes, you can't control that.
But what can you control? Your actions.
You can control what you eat.
You can control if you move your body.
You can control what you read, watch or listen to.
Do those positive things because you want a positive life.
Today when I felt emotionally drained, I went for a walk. I took in the fresh air. I was exhausted while doing it, but when I came home and had accomplished that one thing, I felt better.
Negative body image is hard. I promise, you do not struggle alone.
One action at a time.
Stay simply confident,
Kayla