I'm not sure if it was the way I was raised, because I am an only child or why, but I used to be (and sometimes still am) an avid people pleaser.
According to PsychCentral, a Healthline Media blog that is "committed to providing every individual with clear, credible, evidence-based health and wellness information," people pleasing is a sign that you may have more loose or open boundaries.
Others include:
- Getting too involved with others' problems.
- Finding it difficult to say "no" to others' requests.
- Oversharing personal information with others.
Why set boundaries?
One way for you to build your inner confidence is by setting boundaries. How are you able to know what your strengths are, what you enjoy or what you value when you are constantly following others or doing what other people want you to do?
Boundaries are a way to set clear expectations of what YOU actually want.
To give an example, in the first few months as a new mom, I didn't go anywhere or do anything. One reason was the COVID-19 pandemic was in full force in November 2020, but I also didn't set boundaries or expectations around my life.
I was in a whole new world with a newborn. I tried my best to feed her when she needed food and get her to sleep when she showed those cues. I was wrapped around this little girl and really didn't take time for my own needs.
This is something I am sure a lot of new parents do. It's new territory. We literally have no idea what we are doing.
A few months in, I started doing things for myself. I started walking. I started working out. I started showering and brushing my teeth again. Seriously, I think all dentists should reach out to new moms. We need you.
Slowly, I began setting those non-negotiable rules for myself so that I could feel like a great mom by taking care of myself, too.
How to set boundaries?
In the beginning, none of these steps are going to be easy. You will feel guilty. You will feel selfish. You will feel like a bad friend, mom, girlfriend, wife, sister, etc. But trust me, people will start to understand and respect you more for those boundaries.
1. Start saying "no"
An old flame keeps asking you to hang out and you give in because you are lonely or bored. Start saying no. You wonder why they are hanging on? It is because you haven't set boundaries yet.
Your friend from college wants to go out Friday night. You have a busy day Saturday and know you will wake up hungover. Say no or schedule a different weekend. You can make time for them when you have the energy.
No matter the situation, you know when you do not feel like doing something. I am not saying avoid positive situations. However, if you do not have the energy, there is nothing wrong with saying no. I have heard before that if it's not a hell yes, it's a no.
2. Stop gossiping
This is one that I sometimes fail to do. One of your friends starts talking about Karen, who is sleeping with Rick who is married to Sally, and do you know how much money they spend every weekend? Sheesh!
As soon as you start to find yourself thinking of better rumors or gossip that you know to follow up to Karen and Rick's love affair. Stop yourself. Change the subject. Isn't what you are doing with your life more exciting and positive than what you could say about anyone else?
The more positive energy you give out to those around you, the more positive energy you will receive back.
Gossip and rumors are going to happen. It is going to seem exciting to talk about at first. But, make your life more exciting to talk about and set that boundary.
3. Don't get involved in drama
Similar to gossip, we might try to fix someone else's problems when we should be focused on our own. I think trying to help someone through a difficult time with support and a listening ear is great.
However, without a solid boundary, you may find yourself knee deep into the conflict. You start to feel anxiety and pressure from something that should not involve you.
For example, parents who fight in front of their children and don't reach resolution might be getting their kids involved in the drama. That child has no way to fix whatever adult argument is going on, but inside the child may want to because they want a positive environment.
This can be the same for you with a friend's relationship drama or a colleague who is upset. It's best to give your support but stay out of it.
By setting that boundary, you will keep your environment clear of that negative energy.
Boundaries are a way to bring you closer to feeling your best self and living your best life. Or in other words, staying simply confident.
Stay simply confident,
Kayla
Share some way in your life that you set boundaries in the comment section.